tumblrisforlulz: wwiao: ximex3: thaheirofslytherin: omgitsalice: catieeatsbabies: versustheworld: pizened: itstimefortherevolution: stormredux: necromanticize: awkshow: sav3m3barry: m-a-d-h-a-u-s: elephixx: justfragilebones: tyleroakley: I died inside. the fuck?! ^^^^^^^^^^^^ LOL!!!!! “You don’t need evolution. It’s just...
thatsnotpunny: what did the thoughtful redneck say when asked what he wanted his new haircut to look like? ‘let me mullet over’
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are...
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. Relax, you’re two tents.”
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it...
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
midnight snack oh my god pizza bagels and ice cream sundae
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”
You're not as brave as you were at the start.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
bored and lonely on a friday night :(
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Shirk all responsibilities. Sleep in. Breathe.
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
thebeachcomberswindowsill: outxout: A woman so loved her kitty that when it died she took it to a taxidermist to have its head mounted on a plaque. The taxidermist got confused and stuffed the wrong end. The woman looked at the result and said, “This is a cat-ass-trophy!” Isn’t it great? yes yes yes! now i have the urge to post a bunch of these… ugh, i love corny humor so much!
A woman so loved her kitty that when it died she took it to a taxidermist to have its head mounted on a plaque. The taxidermist got confused and stuffed the wrong end. The woman looked at the result and said, “This is a cat-ass-trophy!”
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival...– C. S. Lewis
mmmmmmmmmmmmm pizza pretzels